First Day Alone

Dear Abby,

Today was our first day alone together. Despite Dad's confidence in me, I was still nervous beyond belief. I'm no stranger to caring for babies or children, but there's something different when it's your own - and that one perfect child is completely dependent on you. I won't lie, After Grandma (that is still so weird for me to call her Grandma) left last night and after dad left for school and work this morning, I shed a few tears. Thank you for being so patient with me.

Dad was sweet and took you for the first few hours of the night while you were somewhat restless so that I could sleep for awhile (I'm telling you - he does stuff like this all the time, stuff not many other men do. We sure are spoiled.) We had a good night from that point on and this morning you went back to sleep so that I could doze for awhile too.

I won't lie, I was a little overwhelmed today. Despite the warnings of those around me, I was convinced I could stay on top of my household chores and still take care of you. Boy, was I wrong. At some point in the day it became quite the accomplishment to get your diapers to the garbage can after you'd soiled them. But, we cuddled a lot, and I'll never change those moments for anything.

You are the perfect therapist. I talk to you constantly. Thanks for listening. I hope that our relationship can somewhat resemble this in the future. I hope that at some point you feel like you can confide in me too.

We had to take you to the doctor one last time for you bilirubin check (You weighed a whopping 6 lbs 12 oz! The doctor had us kind of worried about your weight for the last week, and you weren't eating well for a better part of the week - I think that had to do with the fact I was so stressed and we were back in the hospital. It was kind of a roller coaster for all of us, but now you are past your birth weight! Yay!). I hate it every time they poke you in the heel. You remain your usual composed self, only giving out a slight whimper, but you pull the saddest face I'll ever see. It seems to say, "Mom, why would you allow this to happen to me?" And that is worse than the biggest scream, in my book anyway. It breaks my heart.

While we had adequate cuddling time today, I realized - again - how perfectly soft your skin is. Did you know that your dad whispered that to me the first time he held my hand. He worked up the nerve to finally hold my hand, made the move, and then whispered in the dark, "Your skin is so soft." It made me grin ear to ear, trying not to laugh. But, it also made me melt. He was so genuine and honest. I still smile as I remember it.

Dad keeps commenting on how much you are changing. It makes me sad as much as it makes me excited for the future. I'm telling you, Abby, I have never been as emotional as I have been since you came into our family. You make our lives so much better. I don't think we'll ever be able to give back to you what you give to us.

Now it's bath time (which you hate). I guess I'll go prepare to torture you (or what you define as torture). I love it. You smell like heaven after a bath.

All my love - and more,

Your Mommy